allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize