if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
