I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
