Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
