you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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