I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
