I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
