We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
