see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize