2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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