apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
