ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
