I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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