Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize