Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Randomize
