zippers are such a cool invention
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
