he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
