remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Randomize
