I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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