since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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