I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
