I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
