And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
