You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
