If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Randomize
