i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
