I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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