My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
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