haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
