Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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