if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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