you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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