there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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