If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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