Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Randomize
