Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
