he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
You dont lie about slip and slides
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
