I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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