4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
