You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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