life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
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