the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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