I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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