I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
