Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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