happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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