I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Randomize
