I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
We need to get me chipped asap
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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