I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
