Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Randomize
