Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
