i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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