Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize