just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Randomize
