You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
If that was your dad, he is hot
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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