Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
