gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
