chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
