when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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