And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Randomize
