How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
