I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
