Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
