tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
