My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
