that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize