We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
