When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Ketchup is God's man juice
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Randomize
