he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
