Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
